Wednesday, January 18, 2012

some things are awesome

The other day Bob was channel surging and we ended up watching Just Married.  One line in the movie really stuck with me... never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next...

It seems like this blog has become the place where I share more about the bad days, and end up leaving out the happy snapshots.  It got me thinking about something that I am very well aware of, but rarely say out load.  I know that so far I haven't been very good at including pictures with my posts, so, in tribute to my love for making lists, here are some things that I think are awesome:

1. last week, a group of 80 family members got together to celebrate Bob's grandma's 90th birthday.  she still lives on her own.  she knows all her kids, grandkids and great grandkids.  not just knows by name, but actually knows them and their personality.

2. my family.  my parents, my brother and sister, my brothers and sisters in law, bobs parents, my nieces and nephews, my aunts, uncles and cousins.  i could write a pages on how each of these people has bettered my life, but i dont want to bore you, so just trust me. 

3. i am married to bob.  every day, i am so thankful that i chose to go to a teeny tiny college in a very small town for all the wrong reasons. thankful that i walked into bdubbs at the beginning of junior year to get a job, and thankful that i was able to transfer home for the summer so i could meet bob.  im thankful that we learned to like each other and then fell in love.

4. during this entire ivf process, i have been introduced, via email, to two total strangers.  these women have spent countless hours first forcing me to talk, then answering any and every questions i could possibly have.  ive never been more thankful for the kindness of someone that doesnt know me at all.

5. i had an awesome moment with a close enough to call it family member where he pulled me aside and told me that he would pray for us.  it was genuine, unexpected and exactly what i needed to hear at the time.

6. i have a client that goes out of her way to show her support and understanding for what we're going through.

7. my friends.  they make me smile, and laugh.  they are the reason for some of my most awesome memories.  and they all try to understand something they have never experienced themselves.

8. the double chick flick weekend bob and i have planned for Feb 10 and 11.  the vow comes out on friday night and breaking dawn comes out on dvd on saturday.  somehow, i got him to agree to watch both.

9. i'm going to boulder at the end of the month.  its about time for a getaway, and i could not be more excited to see my family!

10. i have a really cool job.  of course, its stressful and can be frustrating at times, but i am so lucky to go to work every day AND to actually enjoy being there.

11. knitting. 

12. annnddddd the color pink.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

a story about self pity

Since we're being honest (well, I am, at least) I feel like I should tell you some reasons why this sucks. Because let's be does. Do I think this is this worst thing we could or will face in our life? No. Do I think that we have worse problems than anyone else because we are dealing with infertility? of course not. We are honestly very lucky and blessed and we both know that. But, the reality is, this is the worst thing we have been through together, and probably individually, too.  This is a blessing and a curse all in one.

Besides the obvious reasons if uncertainty, sadness, living in a world full of babies and pregnant people, and not knowing what the future holds, there are little things that other me.
I'm sad I won't get to wake up ally early one morning and secretly take a test and then figure out some fun way to tell Bob that I'm pregnant. No surprise Michigan onsie, we're having a baby cake, or look of shock on his face. He will find out exactly when I do.

I'm sad that we won't get to surprise our parents and tell them (although, apparently there is no surprising my mom, she always knows...). They will know when we are doing ivf so they'll be just as anxious to find out as we are.

I feel similar sadness about not being able to surprise our close friends and family.

I'm bummed that we can't joke about when it happened. (you know what I mean) Things like 'best new years ever' or 'wow we drank a lot that night' or 'what a great date that was'. We will know exactly when.

I'm bummed that it is so planned. This is actually shocking because I am a planner, but I always wanted this to be a surprise. Sure, it's common to try to plan around weddings or historically slow times at work or seasons or whatever, but in the end, there is never a guarantee when it will happen when you do it naturally.

I'm terrified of how early on in the pregnancy we will be finding out. What if something happens?
I know some of this seems really trivial, and in reality, it is. We're so lucky to have doctors and technology that allow us to have this opportunity at all. Trust me, I know what I really could be missing out on, and I'll take other small bummers over not having a baby at all. I know people will still be surprised and happy to find out when they do. I'm glad bob will be there, holding my hand, through it all. And as for it being this point, all I can do it pray that it works the first time, and that the plan works.

I told you at the beginning, these may seem like small things . Things that most people don't even think twice about. But in the last year, I have thought a lot. About everything. In the end, when we find out that I'm pregnant, none of these things will matter. So I know what I need to do is start focusing my energy away from these things and more into thinking positively that it will work and everything will be okay. At this point, that's all I can do.

And, what you can do is work on your surprised face. You know - the one when you already know the present or the news someone is about to tell you but you have to pretend you don't. That face. I hope to see it on you...real soon...