a story about self pity

Since we're being honest (well, I am, at least) I feel like I should tell you some reasons why this sucks. Because let's be honest...it does. Do I think this is this worst thing we could or will face in our life? No. Do I think that we have worse problems than anyone else because we are dealing with infertility? of course not. We are honestly very lucky and blessed and we both know that. But, the reality is, this is the worst thing we have been through together, and probably individually, too.  This is a blessing and a curse all in one.

Besides the obvious reasons if uncertainty, sadness, living in a world full of babies and pregnant people, and not knowing what the future holds, there are little things that other me.
I'm sad I won't get to wake up ally early one morning and secretly take a test and then figure out some fun way to tell Bob that I'm pregnant. No surprise Michigan onsie, we're having a baby cake, or look of shock on his face. He will find out exactly when I do.

I'm sad that we won't get to surprise our parents and tell them (although, apparently there is no surprising my mom, she always knows...). They will know when we are doing ivf so they'll be just as anxious to find out as we are.

I feel similar sadness about not being able to surprise our close friends and family.

I'm bummed that we can't joke about when it happened. (you know what I mean) Things like 'best new years ever' or 'wow we drank a lot that night' or 'what a great date that was'. We will know exactly when.

I'm bummed that it is so planned. This is actually shocking because I am a planner, but I always wanted this to be a surprise. Sure, it's common to try to plan around weddings or historically slow times at work or seasons or whatever, but in the end, there is never a guarantee when it will happen when you do it naturally.

I'm terrified of how early on in the pregnancy we will be finding out. What if something happens?
I know some of this seems really trivial, and in reality, it is. We're so lucky to have doctors and technology that allow us to have this opportunity at all. Trust me, I know what I really could be missing out on, and I'll take other small bummers over not having a baby at all. I know people will still be surprised and happy to find out when they do. I'm glad bob will be there, holding my hand, through it all. And as for it being planned...at this point, all I can do it pray that it works the first time, and that the plan works.

I told you at the beginning, these may seem like small things . Things that most people don't even think twice about. But in the last year, I have thought a lot. About everything. In the end, when we find out that I'm pregnant, none of these things will matter. So I know what I need to do is start focusing my energy away from these things and more into thinking positively that it will work and everything will be okay. At this point, that's all I can do.

And, what you can do is work on your surprised face. You know - the one when you already know the present or the news someone is about to tell you but you have to pretend you don't. That face. I hope to see it on you...real soon...