shhhhh...Bob has something to say...

A guy’s perspective on IVF

I’ll never forget leaving the OB’s office that cold day, looking into Melissa’s sad eyes and thinking to myself that I will never be a dad. At that moment in time all I heard and could focus on was “1% chance.” Most men are built with the internal drive to be the provider and I was just told I could not provide my wife with a child. I was crushed! I know the OB told us that we both had issues that contributed to a bigger problem but I felt a tremendous sense of guilt. How could I possibly have my wife look at her husband and her second best friend (I know my role) and not be able to give her the one thing that most women dream about. I had no idea what to do. 

My instincts for “fixing” sometimes far outweigh those of compassion. Looking back at it now I should have spent more time comforting Melissa instead of trying to rationalize the situation and finding a way to make it better. That’s one of the funny things about life: rear view mirrors come as standard equipment but no one has a reverse gear. 

My first glimpse of there being light at the end of the tunnel ironically came the day that my world came crashing down on me. Right after our appointment with the OB I went back to work since it was right down the street. I hoped to become distracted by work so I wouldn’t focus on the news I just received. It took me a while to actually go in because I called Melissa on the way back, she was going back to work too; to tell her I loved her and things would be okay. I lost it; I sat in the parking lot and cried for a good amount of time, hoping no one would see me. I finally composed myself and went to work. 

The world works in funny ways… Shortly after getting back to work and trying to focus on something other than “1%” and calling and setting up an appointment with the fertility specialist the OB suggested, I received a phone call from a friend of ours. Melissa and I had made dinner plans with her and her husband later in the week and we had been speculating that the reason they invited us over for dinner and not out to dinner was because they were going to tell us they were expecting and she wasn’t drinking. After debating to answer the phone I did. After a few minutes of chit chat in typical Bob Kimball fashion I blurted out what I was thinking. I said “Hey, not to sound like a jerk, but if you guys are inviting us over for dinner to tell us you are pregnant I don’t know if we can handle it; we just found out we had less than a 1% chance of having kids naturally”. Her immediate response was “OH MY GOD, we are going through the same thing and just started the IVF process”. I think we both had a certain sense of relief because now we had someone to share our mutual feelings with. They chose to keep things more personal than we are, but not only did they see the same specialist they are now proud parents to a beautiful baby. Seeing the possibilities keeps me focused.

After our initial visit to the IVF Specialist my focus once again changed to the other demon in this story: money. Melissa and I are fortunate and live what I would consider a better than average lifestyle, neither of us go without and splurge on things we like. But the reality of the situation was and is we didn’t have $18k just chillin in the bank. We had decided together that we would save and cut back some but we didn’t want to stop living in the mean time. Our first big mistake, more so mine since Melissa is a planner and always likes/needs to see the finish line; that we tried to budget and figure out when. “When” came and went a few times because life happens, and we didn’t save as much as quick. This has caused many arguments and has been the root of many of our problems throughout this journey. Like most things in life when you don’t completely focus on it and let it come to you things have a way of working themselves out. We want to also have a cushion, because at the end of the day if the $18k pays of and we get pregnant then we start over like any “normal” expecting couple, doctor bills, delivery costs, nursery, 1.2 million baby outfits (I am married to a princess, remember). 

The good… How can you say that good has come out of this, especially since we still do not have a baby and we aren’t 100% guaranteed to have one? Easy, we have cried, screamed, laughed, and threatened together through all of this. The key word is together. This process to this point has been one of the hardest things I have personally ever gone through and I can’t for one second imagine going through it with anyone but Melissa. She is by far my better half; and we have come closer because of this. She is the love of my life, my best friend, and the mother of my future children (no matter how that happens).

I Love you, Melissa.

(Ladies and Gents - this is why I married him.  Love you too, Bob!)